I was browsing various areas of craiglist today thinking about setting some traps. It looks to Me that craigslist is mainly full of weirdos… but occasionally there are a few real GEMS. Like this one here! This lovely lady would love to go out on dates with you! Take her out… buy her dinner (Hey! You’re not-dating!)
She wants someone to spend time with while shes out that she doesn’t even have to admit is there unless people are looking! I’ve had a few slaves like that. That I would use to talk to like they weren’t even there so I could hear myself talk. Yeah. I’m awesome. I LIKE THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!
Onto the AD
Have you ever been on a date so bad that you miss the company of your dog? Do you listen to your “happily” coupled friends bitch nonstop about their significant others and secretly sigh with relief? Me too! I admit, I really enjoy being single. I leave the toilet seat down. I filled my bathroom with at least 30 girlie-smelling haircare products and I don’t have to justify to anyone why I need each and every one of them despite the fact that I use the same three every day. I don’t have to pretend to like anyone’s friends but my own. I like knowing I can stock my kitchen with nothing but Lean Cuisine and not have to worry about feeding a guy that won’t eat diet food. The single life is awesome!
Even with all that greatness, being single has a drawback or two. Do you get that look from waitresses if you go out to eat alone? You know, that look of, “You poor wretch. Is there no one in the world that will sit across from you while you eat so you don’t look so lonely and pathetic?” Some things are more fun with two people. For instance, I’d love to learn to ski, but it’d be nice to have someone on hand to drive me to the hospital when I shatter all the bones in my leg.
So I had this great idea! We could be single together! It wouldn’t be a date and afterwards, we could both go back to our separate dogs and houses and lives with no sense of obligation. Don’t feel like calling for a day/week/month? No problem, because we’re not dating! Feel like canceling plans just because you don’t want to go through the effort of showering? Go for it, because we’re not dating! Never remember birthdays/anniversaries and hate buying gifts? You’re off the hook, because we’re not dating! We’re hanging out and a killer hottie strolls by? Drool all you want. Hell, go try to get her number, because we’re not dating! When was the last time you were able to publicly comment on a girl’s rack without disastrous consequences? That’s what I thought.
Non-dating would probably be a lot more fun if we share some common interests. If zombie movies, football, live music, Notre Dame hockey, good food, even better beer, laughing (often and sometimes at inappropriate things), miscellaneous outdoor activities, people-watching, random adventures, or the occasional paintball game appeal to you, we could probably find something mutually entertaining to do.
Even though it’s not a date, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea if you were at least a little attractive. Despite the fact that WE know it’s not a date, people who see a guy and a girl together doing anything assume they’re a couple. Having a good-looking non-date will spare both of us the embarrassment of having strangers wonder why someone so striking is spending time with a sewer beast.
Granted, not dating excludes sex, but only with me. There’s a smokin’ hot blond at the bar and you have an itch that needs scratched? Be my guest because, as I’ve said, we’re not dating!
There is the danger that not dating might start to seem like dating, even if we both think otherwise. I guess if we reach the point where going on not-a-date regularly seems more appealing than staying home with the dog, I’d be open to a non-relationship. But I’m still not going to pretend to like your friends.
I’M FABULOUSSS! ♥
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